I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
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