I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
