i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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