that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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