Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
