Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
