so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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