Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
