Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
