So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
