reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
