you have to choose: penises or morals?
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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