i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Randomize
