when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I enjoy the company of your penis
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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