Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(334): View more from Alabama

The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.

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(616): View more from Michigan

She acts like you when your on meds

(510): View more from California

She acts like batman?

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.

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(810): View more from Michigan

The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse

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(615): View more from Tennessee

The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

I just feel like everything is too perfect

(774): View more from Massachusetts

He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator

(774): View more from Massachusetts

Or both. Which is common

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(307): View more from Wyoming

I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat

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