I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
