I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Randomize
