i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize
