so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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