Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
