i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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