I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
she smelled like a LAN party
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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