did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
