I bet he comes in French.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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