I think I died a long time ago.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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