I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
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