last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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