wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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