So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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