plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
