I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
