I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Two words: blizzard sex
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