mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
