bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
