My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
