Jerry, you need to find god
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
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