i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
