and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
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