You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
