I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Randomize
