I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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