Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
i think i have herpe
just one?
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Randomize
