Banned from zoo.
Again?
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
