Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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