Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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