I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
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i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
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Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
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