Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
