I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
