just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
