u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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