i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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