Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
