bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Randomize
