After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
