dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
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