This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
