If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
