roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize