If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
