Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize
