great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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