I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
